as they say..

in "you're a good man, charlie brown"..."happiness is a fleeting thing".

will I be TRULY and incandescently happy?

Once I feel that happiness, it seems to slip away. Or it becomes unattainable. Am I asking for things out of my reach? Are my expectations too high? Will I ever find what I am looking for?

Frustrating and weird.

Maybe if I don't rely on being or feeling something, it will just happen.

Hmm.

It's interesting...

It's interesting and slightly weird to step outside of ourselves. I know I am Anna and have various physical and emotional traits that make me me. It is funny, however, to view myself as an actual working tool that exerts energy and is apart of a world which is apart of a planet which is apart of a solar system. It actually really weirds me out. We function, interact, sleep, eat, and make choices. We encounter people who we view as friends, family, acquaintances, etc.

This Christmas season has felt less magical than usual. I hate the idea that I do not dream of sugarplum fairies or feel as excited to eat a chocolate from my advent calendar. But maybe that's what having kids feels like. Finding a renewed sense of imagination, hopes, and curiosity. I feel these things on a normal basis, but not in the extreme amount I did as a child. Growing up has been a crazy experience, but mostly good. There's an abundance of new feelings. But here I am COMPLAINING that I "can't feel the Christmas magic", when so many people suffer. The economy is in such a bind, and here I am, as always, without a worry in the world. I have non-monetary worries, but I never live in fear of where I will find food or how I will get a roof over my head. My parents never waver in being extremely financially and emotionally supportive.

I guess one of my new years' resolutions is to use myself, this body and soul, as a tool in a positive way. Yes, getting drunk and throwing up slightly has it's upsides, but it doesn't need to be done every weekend. Going shopping for new clothes is fun, but again, not completely necessary when so many people are without things. It's easy to help others, but how often do I really do that? And with so many worries and fears regarding post-college life, can't I once step aside and be an active listener for a friend or peer?

Lots to think about.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season and is able to feel their place in the world.

<3

i love

i love that love is so powerful..

So confused!

...with life. How does one KNOW what do with their life? I must think about post-college career ideas at least 10 or 20 times a day. I know it's normal and that most people my age feel the same way, I just feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I DON'T know.

I want to do something in life that is filled with good moments. These good moments will hopefully outweigh the weird aspects of the career. I have come up with weird hints of things I'd like to do...but they DON'T seem to relate.

I mean come on, librarian mixed with jazz singer mixed with lighthouse keeper mixed with school teacher...HMMM.

I need some direction!!

in love with love.

"Tinkerbell: You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting." -Peter Pan quote

I love the quotation above because it describes exactly how I think love should be. Love needs to be raw. None of that "love is patient, love is kind" crap, but the real stuff that makes you want to wake up every morning and embrace the world. Love should encompass emotions in all of their brutality, no matter how amazing or horrible that may be. But, love should also be slightly ethereal. Holding hands, a first kiss, or a mother looking at her newborn child are just a few ways to kindle that kind of magic that makes the world such a mystical place. Love is so rare. Or it is present, and no one is grabbing hold of it, or opening themselves up to it. When it comes to LOVE, I am blessed with family and friends who love me and accept me for all that I am. And I love them so tenderly. I think out of all the LOVES, self-love may just be one continuous work in progress, like a few random words on a page, waiting for the rest of the story to be written.

As cheesy as it may seem, I think the saddest form of love, unrequited love, may have taught me the most about myself and love. In this previous unhealthy relationship, I saw particular things and created a life revolved around those things. I settled. I didn't accept the matter at hand and took the less fulfilling path. Everything else, everything true, was hidden, suppressed, and I was too ignorant. Leaving love, or the love I wanted so deeply to have, was like not being able to sing. For me, simply impossible. But when the love was finally broken, it was as if in some crazy sense, part of me was reborn. I began to cling to whatever self I had left. I started to remember what stirred inside of my brain and what wanted to jump out from my heart. I had stumbled along a dark path only to find a strong beam of light. And, as one form of love ended, another form blossomed. Self-love. To embrace myself fully and believe in myself for the first time, was love. I feel like I finally get it.


Oh LOVE. :)

HMPH

Ever feel like you want something so much, mostly a feeling, and you don't even know what that is?



I feel like that! (insert foot stomp and confused face here).

Food for thought...and still hungry.

Here is what I know. I know that every time I watch a black and white movie or listen to a 1930s jazz standard, I feel at ease with the world and satisfied in my soul. I know that when autumn begins to creep up, my mind is filled with exciting ideas to share with my family and the kids that I work with. I know that it feels good to help others, and, in doing so, I get a glimpse of a self I'd like to be more often.

Incorporating good feelings into a profession seems like an uphill battle. And yes, my selfish side wants to have a comfortable lifestyle (which is more difficult to do these days and in this area, it seems). But Annabo Kristine is not willing to give up her passions and the things that make her feel good. This is a conflict. I know it's normal to be lost, but wouldn't it be divine to know what lake you wanted to take a dip into?

It's difficult to step outside of yourself and figure out life from a non-selfish perspective. What is good for the world? But can I please indulge a little, and find out what is good for myself? I don't know if my passions and dreams will help others, and I really hope they do. I am hungry for life, for traveling, for mutual love, for nature, for a feeling to hold onto. I want to challenge myself, and grow.

m stands for...

melancholy.

here is a poem i wrote earlier tonight. it's free verse and weird, but it's what's inside my soul these days.


Why is the heart like an open wound,
Open to feel yet unable to make rhythm.

Sore from the pain
Hoping to find the beat.

I know it’s so wrong, the way that I feel.
Stuck in a place that’s in between.
Wanting to take the solo road,
But clinging on to the feeling of warmth.

Why can’t the trees and leaves be by my side?
A rusty picket fence pointing toward a home I can’t feel.

The world isn’t what I thought it would be.
Love is toxic, it’s the sickness I wanted.
But it left me angry, empty, hungry, unwillingly aware.

I wanted the love of a 1940s romance,
Grab my face, pull me in, breathe my kisses until we are forced to part.
His hand on my waist, we move with the wind, we sway,
Swinging in rhythm to the beat of our hearts.

But I fling off the high heels of my fantasty and return to solitude,
Where I’ll remain, for some time, I don’t know.
My heart like the staccato notes on the page, chasing after time and searching for air.
A musical solo and I don’t know the tune.

Happy September!

I love the coming of autumn. Crispy leaves and hot chocolate, fuzzy sweaters and brisk walks in a familiar neighborhood. The perfect season for watching old black and white movies and cuddling up on the couch. I LOVE it. Without trying, my family is always so close during this season. We love halloween decorations, pumpkin patches, watching movies together, and playing with the new babies in the family.

On a different note, I lost ALL of my laptop's data yesterday. A few days ago a flashing question mark appeared on my macbook and I took it into the apple store, hoping for a positive answer. They told me it was a mechanical error and that I wouldn't get any information back. This means all of my writing, music, and pictures are gone. Sad, but there isn't anything I can do about it.
Another thing I love about autumn is that it's fresh, and with this freshness and newness, I will have to make a positive situation out of a really crappy one. I will have a new empty laptop that I will fill with new memories (which I will back up on an external hard drive!) Sometimes it's good to have a fresh start.

Hmmmm...

here is what I feel...

I feel like I can't find the balance between taking care of myself and feeling selfish. Do I use people without knowing it? When we want to hang out with our friends and make it work for our schedules, isn't that selfish? If we ask someone for a favor, is it because we only care about ourselves and we want to take the easy way out by asking someone else to do something? I've had a rough few weeks and it's been dramatic to say the least. I feel like I don't do enough therapeutic things and that I really should. But I feel guilty whenever I have "me" time.

"Your body is a temple". My friend used this to describe a theme in a book she is reading. I feel like I don't treat my body like a temple. I don't drink enough water, I consume way too much alcohol, I don't exercise as much as I should, and I've allowed others to disrespect my body in the past. I've spent so much time and energy in the last year trying to take care of other people who weren't there for me and I'm truly sick of it! I think I've resisted taking care of myself because I don't even know what that is anymore. I feel like I've forgotten what "healthy" feels like. But I am beginning to understand (as long and difficult as it's been to admit this) that taking care of myself will deeply affect how I treat others and present myself (ideas, hopes and passions) to the world. I am so grateful for the family and friends in my life who bring laughter, honesty, and a positive attitude to this world.

May I please have...

a fresh start? I have a whole bunch of horrible and blecky memories, and if I can't delete them I would at least like to believe that they helped me grow in some way, and then set them aside. I wish I wouldn't let people affect me so. I have great people in my life that are creative, bright, active, and thoughtful, and I'd like some more of those people to drift my way.


HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

it's funny how...

you can escape certain feelings and realities when you are on the other side of the world, but some things will always be there...

it's been awhile

I know I haven't written here in awhile. I've been posting a lot on my Scotland blog and I know most of my friends who read here are probably reading that. Scotland is great, I've definitely learned a lot about myself in the process.

It's weird. I feel like I have a very decisive personality. Once I've made up my mind, I don't really turn back. It's good in some ways, but reallly shitty in others. For instance, if I'm going out and I'm not really in a great mood, it's really hard to get me out of that mood. But it also sucks, because I feel like my close friends are used to my "up" personality, so if i'm in a mellow (good) mood, people ALWAYS ask if something is wrong. It really annoys me....one of the oh so great things about wearing my heart on my sleeve.

that's all for now...

annabo

Scotland, two days.

Yo.

On the right I hope you see I have added a link to my other blog that I will be using for my trip to Scotland. Hooray!

13

DAYS until Scotland.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Hmph.

Is it tragic or beneficial to see only the things we want to see? I am learning lately that we begin to become as similar as our surroundings, and in my case, I go months without noticing that I have strayed away from who I want to be. Our choices in who and what we surround ourselves with have such an affect on our values and outlook. I feel enriched when I surround myself with art, nature, music, and creative and genuinely kind people. I feel like I have not exactly kept up with these environments, and remained in unhealthy surroundings, slowly digging up to the surface of contentment. Hmm...there is a balance though. I do think that there are some things we don't want to see or experience that we should, just to gain a broader perspective. I don't know. I just want to be in a place where I'm like a tall weeping willow, firmly grounded and strong but freely moving with the wind, uninhibited. ding.


All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

nature, and literature. :)

Apparently my parents get the AAA "Via" magazine and recently I noticed that they were getting copies at their house for me as well. I love reading this magazine because in addition to having extremely useful gardening and "going green" advice, they show all these amazing places to visit in California. This state is full of amazing places to go. We have so many aspects of nature that I love. I always get a pleasant feeling when I think about the trips I took to Yosemite, Mt. Hamilton, Monterey, etc. I just feel so connected to the world through nature and appreciate life a little more after being outside in nature's beauty. Mr. Binkley, my 7th grade science teacher, was a main reason why I love science and nature today. (Alison, I'm sure you can attest to his awesomeness.) Both my sister and I participated in Project Access, a program in which a few selected 6th grade females got to go on amazing science/technology-related field trips that emphasized women in science careers. I believe we looked at leaves near Alum Rock, went to the tech museum, visited the Lighthouse and tide pools at Pigeon point, among other things. It was grand.

Speaking of literature and nature, I love John Muir. He was of the first modern preservationists. Oh, and is it FATE that he was born in Scotland? :) Anyway, there is a really interesting collection of his writings that I want to read, it looks fantastic. I am constantly amazed by people who are selfless, passionate and have an unfailing attitude toward a cause.

Selflessness is a rare and valued quality. Today I read that a woman, Irena Sendler, died today at age 98. She was regarded as a Holocaust hero because she saved almost 2,500 children from the Warsaw Ghetto. She risked her own life in order to save children who have since been able to keep their family's generations alive. So amazing. Read this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080512/ap_on_re_eu/obit_sendler for a detailed story.


Okay, I LOVE how science, technology, and the arts enrich my life and are all interconnected in making the world a pretty place.

Love Anna

Times Like This from Lucky Stiff

Annabel:
All I have to say is I am happy to be sitting here,
Doing what is meaningful to me
Working on behalf of the Universal Dog Home
Not barking up a strangers tree
Now my idea of company would be

A friendly face, the kind of face
That melts you with a grin
The kind of eyes that welcome you
The minute you walk in
A tender glance you simply can't refuse
At times like this a girl could use.....
A dog.

He listens when you tell him things,
There's nothing you can't say
And unlike certain people you can teach him how to stay
And if the world is giving you the blues
He cheers you up by chewing up the news.
It's things like that that make you choose
A dog

Other people need romance, dancing, playing around
Other people need constant fun, well I'm not one
I have my feet on the ground

Give me a quiet night, a stack of books
A tuna melt on rye.
A simple walk together
Underneath the starry sky
And suddenly the night is something rare
And all because there's someone special there.
Who's gazing at the views.
His head upon your shoes.
At times like this, I sure could use
A Dog


I would LOVE to use this song for an audition!

Peace out.

heart libraries

At the beginning of this semester, I feared writing the research paper for Humanities 100W. The idea of writing a paper solely based on other sources was intimidating and overwhelming. I had been accustomed to writing reflective papers in my Creative Arts major, and being able to capture my emotions in a memoir or a story. Never had I been asked to take a subject, dig in and discover what people said about it, and analyze it fully from all ends. Or at least, I had never been asked to write an extensive paper about a seemingly tiny subject. Until this semester, I was not familiar with the Martin Luther King, Jr. Library. My classes thus far at San Jose State have required me to attend dance performances or theatrical shows as opposed to researching aspects of media or events. My experiences using the Martin Luther King Jr. library has aided in improving my writing skill as well as widen my knowledge of scholarly and professional sources.
In class this semester we looked at professional writers who made grammatical and logical mistakes. The most prominent newspapers and companies have made fools of themselves by publishing work that is sloppy and nonsensical. Educated professionals who make obscene amounts of money and have much power in society lack knowledge in writing. I realize that one can improve their own writing by consistently looking at other good writers’ works and truly taking the time to enhance and progress in their writing ability. At the MLK library, I was exposed to different kinds of scholarly works that were well written.
The scholarly journals I looked at were abundant in vocabulary, concise, and straightforward. Compared to the other libraries I have visited, the research section of the MLK library was awe-inspiring and interesting.

Some thoughts on love

And love.

Love is the best thing ever. We have the ability to love friends, family, life partners, companions, and very importantly, ourselves. Love is this amazing gift that people abuse or manipulate sometimes. Love is a deep friendship with equal participation. Love is looking into the mirror and being happy with what you see. Love is listening, giving, and evolving. Love is a first kiss, holding hands, a long gaze from across the room.

And me, and love.

Something I have learned about love is this: in order to be in a healthy relationship, you have to love and take care of yourself. I think the idea of that sounds so easy, but as days go on, it's easier to go about day to day responsibilities than to think to oneself, how am I doing today, what am I feeling? Coming from a thespian/dancer/singer girl, I'm almost surprised that I don't do this often enough. But when I look back on old diary entries or the past relationships I have been in, I realize that I do not take enough care of myself. And that's just not loving yourself. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing when others are involved. We feel guilt, comfort, or something that hinders us from progression. In my case, it has been lack of assertion or fear or being deeply depressed.

Hmmm.....

oh LOVE.

Picture blog

I love love LOVE my family, and here are some pictures I dug up today and wanted to post here. Afterall, a blog is about me (*ding*) and my family is probably the most important thing in my life.

Alison Marie:

here we have the most adorable blonde ever!
Next up, Alison's school picture from elementary school, her brunette hair comes in!:
Here is my baby picture:
And now my wonderful picture from elementary school, gotta love the bow:
I am corey matthews in this next picture:
And my lovely dad as a teen:
Two pictures of my beautiful mother:

I am feeling icky and should go to bed early tonight. :)

Feelings

I feel the need to hold on to my childhood. I just love the outlook I had when I was younger, and the people that were in my life. I feel like I was more inspired, and just generally felt deeper. I participated in community theatre productions from when I was probably 11 to 16, and my first ever director was a woman named Terri Hilton. She was like the sweetest, funniest, prettiest woman in my 11 year old eyes. She always believed in me and wanted me to continue doing theatre. Anyway, we kept in touch after I graduated high school and when she moved off to Chicago with her husband. And we JUST fell back into contact today. It was weird, when I saw my inbox with her name on it, I started to tear up. She was just, so great, and like, every great memory I have involves her. Turns out she will be moving back here in about two years. She's just the kind of great mentor everyone needs to have in their life- a theatre lover, sarcastic sense of humor, loves Edinburgh (a plus), and great listener. Anyway, that was an exciting point in my day.

I got back from my dance class about an hour ago, it was fun. It was led by a different dancer, Jen, and we did a jazzy, almost fosse-like dance to a Harry Conick, Jr. song. Twas fun.

I should go to bed soon, and get some good sleep. Tomorrow is my Visa appointment for Scotland and my dress alterations for the wedding! Night!

I love being a woman

Okay, there are MANY parts about being a woman that I don't like. Monthly woes, PMS, BIRTHING CHILDREN, but truly, I love being a girl. I love dressing up and going to see shows, I love putting on make up and washing my long curly hair (boys have hair too, though aha), and I love BEING A GIRL. Being feminine is so sexy. Granted, I know I had my days of:




I'm not sure if this WAS tomboy, but I'd like to think the laura ingalls wilder boots were adventurous! :)

Have a great Tuesday!

Mammals and Mondays

Streeeeeeeeeeeeetch. What a tiring weekend. Moving is fun, but liberating. It's nice to decorate my new little nook. It's reinvention. Shouldn't every day be a day like that, though? I shouldn't be SAVING life for special ocassions. In other news, I've been completely fascinated by physical contact lately (when am I not though, really), and its characteristics. Okay, I recall first kisses and such, and I remember really needing to swallow many times before the actual kiss. Out of nerves, I'd assume. But is this true for all? And why do people get SO nervous and anxious and hungry for physical contact on a first date? Our bodies are amazing. And I love that some couples have been holding hands for 30 years and it seems like second nature. Nature is weird. But so good. How does it all work? A series of customs that follow from generation to generation, this connectedness? And dancing? Why does it FEEL so good? And abrazando is like the best thing ever, and feels SO right and comforting. We are seriously mysterious creatures. Anyway, what I"m trying to express is that people touching people is so nice. Physically.

Dazzling

I want to be remarkable. I want to be an elegant, adventurous, delightful young lady. And I want the process to be even better. I want to show people the beauty and colors of the world, and I want to see truth through others. I want to have humbling experiences. I want to slow dance to a jazz tune in the dark. I want to wake up to see the sunrise. I want to laugh and cry. I want to creative. I want I want I want ding ding ding, I know this blog is somewhat weird but I am just so EXCITED to be myself for this world.

ssssssscooootttttlllaaaand!

aaaack, the more I talk to sally (the girl i'll be rooming with in edinburgh), the more excited I am.....we both want to go to Austria and do the sound of music tour.. oh. my. gosh!!!

insert foot (accompanied by large leather boot) in mouth

What I really mean to say is, can't someone understand the random, confusing, nonsensical, musical, often times, irrational, RAMBLINGS that go 'round and stir in my brain during one day? It's a lot to take for a gal like me. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but, it would be great if I could conceptualize something in my brain and express it completely accurately. Ha. Maybe that's what the arts are for. A non traditional way of explaining things abstractly because there is really no other way to do it. That's what laughter, tears, morning bird sounds, and the sweet smelling flowers must be. A way to define abstractly, even eloquently. There is a book I read in elementary school, and in it, the author related loneliness to a balloon drifting, almost strong enough to lightly bounce, losing its helium in a living room. I think it's pretty accurate. It's not that I am lonely, DON'T get me wrong. Great friends, satisfying laughs, good wine, and supportive family. It's just that sometimes moving along, drifting silently and without emotion, is lonely. I'm not a powerful person. I hate debates and I don't always speak my mind. Not necessarily a strong point. Maybe assertion, being more direct, would solve that. A way to live with a point, a direction in sight. Somehow though, I still prefer strong silence. Just being content with oneself and having strong beliefs. I doubt I will ever be the person to hammer down a fight in order to win. I guess I want a little more helium, a little more bounce in my step.

Life's interesting. :)

Halloween deliciously illustrates my childhood.

Obviously Alison was a picnic table (handcrafted by the woman herself), and I was a nightclub singer.  :)

Molding clay

Why must we dissect?  Why can't we take a potato for what it is, rather than chopping, peeling, and uncovering its layers.  Is this analyzing satisfying?  Or is it a yearning for creation?  I suppose I'll take it for what it is- we so desperately want an answer, a feeling of security that makes us feel good inside.  Anything unknown is foreign to our bodies and therefore scary.  But don't you see, in the most scary of times, something amazing occurs?  We embrace it.  We progress.  We stretch ourselves (like taffy) and grow.  We learn.  Anything risky is truly worthwhile,  because we are asking ourselves to do something new and that in itself is a great concept.  Often times the things I most fear turn out to be the greatest things ever. 

What's so good about answers?  I often feel that when I find out what I am  looking for, I'm not satisfied.  And not in a greedy way.  It's just that answers don't always settle scenarios.  Maybe this is why I prefer word searches over logic puzzles.  Word searches ask you to find a word, but each word has a definition that one can interpret and mold to their liking.  I love words because of this.  But logic puzzles, bloody annoying logic puzzles.  Logic gives you a direct answer, great, but WHERE is the feeling in that?  I'll admit It's nice to work on a math problem and get the answer, and yes it is satisfying.  But don't you feel that the journey to answer the problem (in various ways, using various methods) is more exciting?  I think people in this day and age are so excited to be satisfied, who isn't, but why do we choose the road MORE traveled.  We take the quick and easy way out time and time again.  We buy things online instead of walking in the store.  We play with gadgets and toys instead of simply sitting outside and experience the beauty surrounding us.  And yes, the internet is convenient and clever and amazing.  But what about that poor road, where we can pick berries along the way and smell the fresh pine of the green trees, and hear our feet stepping onto the stones the begin to crackle below us.  It's there for us.  No answers, no conclusions.  Just something made for us to explore, discovery, and delight in.  

What a messy blog.  I have so many ideas that I don't think I can express.  A lot of ramblings that probably make sense to only me and maybe Luna Lovegood.  

I'll leave you with a poem that I love.

The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And look down one as far as I could

To where it bend in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 

Though as for what the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Smiles Abound

Perhaps this should just be a movie blog, because I really want to talk about "Chocolat."  There is something so thrilling about the idea of being a wanderer, an adventurer, who takes life by each tiny minute and is always searching for fresh feelings and rich experiences.  I love it.  I love the strong characters in this movie, like Juliette Binoche, who opens a chocolate shop, despite the conservative and traditional ways of the French town.  Or Judi Dench's character, an old woman who is dying from diabetes but refuses to give in, indulging in all of the chocolate anyway, because each bite is ecstasy.  I love the idea of living life with no grand plans, with no other responsibilities other than helping people along the way come alive and enrich their lives.  Small pleasures, like listening to the wind's wisdom, or sand between fingers, or rain hitting against that roof, are so simplistic but so satisfying.  Life should be simple.  

Sliding Doors

"Sliding Doors" is one great film.  It shows the leading character's different fates if she had missed a train or caught a train one morning.  It's funny how incredible decisions are.  When I think about how different my life would have been had I moved to New York City last year, I feel a little overwhelmed.  I'm the type of person that no matter which decision I make, I feel like I am missing out.  But that is such a ridiculous thought, because in doing that, we are actually distancing ourselves from being in the moment.  And really, each choice leads to mysterious and delightful journeys, with surprises, challenges, and unique characters along the way.  Plus,  As my best friend Ercilia reiterates, "Anna, you are such a lucky person, you have an amazing family who supports you financially and emotionally, so stop saying you are fat and depressed because you have opportunities!"  It's nice to have someone checking in on me from time to time.  She is an amazingly loyal friend.  

But in all seriousness, it's a wonderful life.  Colorful, rich, magical, and enticing.  And I do have a few goals upon my return to the US from Scotland.  Try to volunteer regularly, be more active in the arts, and check up on myself and how I am doing more often!  Saying no, being more assertive, and minimizing my mood swings, are just a FEW ways I can take care of myself! :)

Time for lunch.

Annabobonana

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.  God is the friend of silence.  See how nature- trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...We  need silence to be able to touch souls." - Mother Teresa

Empty Sundays

Sometimes I want to be sad.  Sometimes I want to feel down and in a pit of depression and sulkiness.  I don't know why.  I do not like this aspect of myself.  Why can't I just suck it up and get over it?  Why can't I remove every single feeling I have, place it in a jar, give it a good long glare, and be done with it?  For some reason, I have to hold on to it.  I have to let it linger and move inside of my body and eat away at me.  Then I am mean to people, bitchy, irritable, sensitive, irrational, and grumpy.  So these things  aren't good.  I am hoping I can find a creative outlet (perhaps "blogging") or some way to access these feelings and turn them into something beautiful or positive.  I just don't know how. 

These last two weeks have been really lonely.  In the dramatic sense, I kind of feel like Charlie Brown in "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (or really, any Schulz movie).  I am moping.  I feel like I call people a lot to check up on them and let them know they are important.  I have a lot of amazing people in my world that are talented, beautiful souls, and creative.  I guess I feel left out because a lot of my friends get to hang out together (be it in shows or school events, etc).  I want to share my feelings with people, but I don't want to bring it up first.  I want people to dig into my world a little bit more.  I feel like I've done a lot of digging for two people.  Life seems to go in waves:  either I'm too busy to take time for myself, or I have hours and hours to myself to sit and think and doubt and fear.  I am exhibiting the latter.   I love my sister Alison.  I love that when something in her world takes her by storm, she can tackle her feelings, analyze them and explain them clearly, and take action to fix them.  This is one of the amazing qualities she has.  I, on the other hand, have a loving relationship with my friend WORRY, and stew on things I cannot control while analyzing, not being strong, and not taking action.  Am I scared of myself?  Why do I do this?

Recently I have felt a strong connection with someone and I pulled away.  Was this because of fear?  Was this because I was so scared of something amazing and exciting happening, or am I just not ready?  I feel that my immaturity, inability to decipher or channel my extreme feelings, and need for independence makes me want to close off any meaningful and genuine relationships.  I just feel guilty to put my crazy issues on anyone else but myself.  They are mine and I need to fix them.  I guess I would like to tell this mystery person that I am sorry if I was strange and confusing and standoffish,  it wasn't intentional and I had to try and attempt to take care of myself.  Also, I think you are probably one of the greatest people I've met (handsome, great conversationalist, wisely philosophical, talented, intelligent, thoughtful...) and you even think I'm pretty neat, and that I hope I can soon be in a better place to just be.  

In other news, my dear friend and talented musician Bill "trumpetmasta" and I have decided to start a little six or seven piece jazz band (is six or seven enough to BE a big band?).  Based on our AIM discussion, I actually think this is something that will be really really great.  I am really looking forward to starting something like this, and as many of my close friends and family know I have wanted to pursue vocal jazz singing for as long as I can remember.  (Musical theatre and opera are GREAT, but come on, the first songs I learned to love and sing were "Bye Bye, Blackbird" and "I'll Be Seeing You."  Enough said.)  I hope we can get the ball rolling on this and rehearse/gig regularly.

It's 11:47 pm and I need to sleep so I can get to school in the morning.  Until tomorrow!

P.S. "Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature.  It will never fail you." - Frank Lloyd Wright

Paddleboating

The weather today is unbelievable. It's a gorgeous and bright Saturday, 85 degrees with nice waves of wind here and there. Courtney and I got together, orginially planning to lay out at the beach, but after seeing back to back traffic toward Santa Cruz we decided to go paddleboating. There' s a great place in Mountain View where there is a huge lake for sailboarding, kayaking, sailing, and paddleboating, as well as a trail for bikes and hikes and an abundancy of grass with weeping will trees. It was b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l!!! I hope this weather continues to be warm and nice.

Soreness, spring, and Scotland

Ouch!  Well, I'm not as sore as last week.  Mainly my right ribs are throbbing and my left calf is one tense mother f*****. :)  I am a hypochondriac, so it's probably not as bad as I think it is.  The class was really technical, not as intense, but difficult!  What is frustrating is that at one point in life I could do the leaps and turns, and now I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do.  But it's always nice to have Becca as a teacher and a lot of theatre friends in the class.  

It's spring and it's hot.  I love hearing the chirps of the birds outside my bedroom window, singing and communicating with each other in a language I wish I understood.  The grass is green, the trees are beautiful, and the hot hair is pushing against my skin.  I love this season (I mean it's no autumn, but probably my second favorite!)  Hopefully this spring will bring the end of a successful semester at school, clarity of the shows I'll be in next year, and preparations beginning for summer in Edinburgh, SCOTLAND!

I'm so excited.  9 exciting weeks living in the heart of a beautiful country.  About 11 of my favorite movies were filmed in Scotland, (harry potter harry potter harry potter),  and it's a chance for me to rely on only myself and take time to really listen to what the next chapter in my life will be.  

Can't wait! :)

Virgin

My first blog.  My first real blog.  Verdana or Arial, Times or Georgia?  I chose a solid Courier, who never lets me down.  How do I want to express myself to the world?  

This first one will be short.  I will be heading to a lyrical dance class tonight and I'm excited about it.  Last week we dabbled in hip hop, which was intense and fun.  To engage my body in unfamiliar movements is to open up an old, aged door that is nearly always shut.  I am excited to utilize new muscles, sweat, learn a new routine, and take on all the challenges that dance invites.  Perhaps I'll let the cyber world know how it went!