Sometimes I want to be sad. Sometimes I want to feel down and in a pit of depression and sulkiness. I don't know why. I do not like this aspect of myself. Why can't I just suck it up and get over it? Why can't I remove every single feeling I have, place it in a jar, give it a good long glare, and be done with it? For some reason, I have to hold on to it. I have to let it linger and move inside of my body and eat away at me. Then I am mean to people, bitchy, irritable, sensitive, irrational, and grumpy. So these things aren't good. I am hoping I can find a creative outlet (perhaps "blogging") or some way to access these feelings and turn them into something beautiful or positive. I just don't know how.
These last two weeks have been really lonely. In the dramatic sense, I kind of feel like Charlie Brown in "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (or really, any Schulz movie). I am moping. I feel like I call people a lot to check up on them and let them know they are important. I have a lot of amazing people in my world that are talented, beautiful souls, and creative. I guess I feel left out because a lot of my friends get to hang out together (be it in shows or school events, etc). I want to share my feelings with people, but I don't want to bring it up first. I want people to dig into my world a little bit more. I feel like I've done a lot of digging for two people. Life seems to go in waves: either I'm too busy to take time for myself, or I have hours and hours to myself to sit and think and doubt and fear. I am exhibiting the latter. I love my sister Alison. I love that when something in her world takes her by storm, she can tackle her feelings, analyze them and explain them clearly, and take action to fix them. This is one of the amazing qualities she has. I, on the other hand, have a loving relationship with my friend WORRY, and stew on things I cannot control while analyzing, not being strong, and not taking action. Am I scared of myself? Why do I do this?
Recently I have felt a strong connection with someone and I pulled away. Was this because of fear? Was this because I was so scared of something amazing and exciting happening, or am I just not ready? I feel that my immaturity, inability to decipher or channel my extreme feelings, and need for independence makes me want to close off any meaningful and genuine relationships. I just feel guilty to put my crazy issues on anyone else but myself. They are mine and I need to fix them. I guess I would like to tell this mystery person that I am sorry if I was strange and confusing and standoffish, it wasn't intentional and I had to try and attempt to take care of myself. Also, I think you are probably one of the greatest people I've met (handsome, great conversationalist, wisely philosophical, talented, intelligent, thoughtful...) and you even think I'm pretty neat, and that I hope I can soon be in a better place to just be.
In other news, my dear friend and talented musician Bill "trumpetmasta" and I have decided to start a little six or seven piece jazz band (is six or seven enough to BE a big band?). Based on our AIM discussion, I actually think this is something that will be really really great. I am really looking forward to starting something like this, and as many of my close friends and family know I have wanted to pursue vocal jazz singing for as long as I can remember. (Musical theatre and opera are GREAT, but come on, the first songs I learned to love and sing were "Bye Bye, Blackbird" and "I'll Be Seeing You." Enough said.) I hope we can get the ball rolling on this and rehearse/gig regularly.
It's 11:47 pm and I need to sleep so I can get to school in the morning. Until tomorrow!
P.S. "Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you." - Frank Lloyd Wright
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