Sunday

I am still at bed at noon and I just don't want to get out. To my left a stack of books I have vowed to read this summer, but have only started a few. A half-opened suitcase of the next batch of clothes I will bring to Boston for the final move in a few weeks. It's been oddly surreal, knowing I'll be leaving this place of comfort, and this fact nearly forces my mind to shift to all the beautiful thoughts of home. I always feel this pull, this gut wrenching feeling of guilt, that I will be leaving the ones closest to me and embarking on a selfish endeavor. And then I think, well, we can't hold ourselves back due to fear and not live life. We have to do things for ourselves, embrace what is inside of us and freely journey to wherever that place is. I can't help but feeling like I'm doing something wrong, or maybe, it's just such an unfamiliar feeling that I assume it's not normal. The point is, I love my family and friends in the most tender way, and that fact ignites many different thoughts...

mmmmmm

mmmmmmmmmmmm

<3

Goals

I've had a solid few weeks to myself since college graduation to really sit and think about life. I have a love/hate relationship with thinking. Sometimes I have too much time to think, and my thoughts seem to have a negative tone. When I have too much time to think, I worry and doubt myself more than I normally would. However, this chunk of forced thinking time has unraveled a bunch of thoughts I was actively avoiding and now they stare snobbishly into my soul!

I think it's a good thing. One way or another, we face our problems. And if we don't, they have a wonderful way to sneak back into our minds. Throughout the course of the last year, I've had certain thoughts/ideas/worries creep back into my mind and settle into my brain searching for a more permanent residence.

The thoughts I have most always relate to my future, my romantic/love life, and my goals. Since I know most of my plans for the summer and beyond, and I'm not actively seeking a love/romantic relationship (rather, right now, I'm openly embracing all forms of love- and am unbelievably grateful and excited for the love I've been given by my friends and family in the last few weeks), I want to focus on my goals.

I don't think my goals are very out of reach. I think that I'm the one who always stops myself before I achieve them. Right now, my biggest goal is to start a journal. That I write in. Every day. I've always been the girl who writes every five months in her journals, whenever something wonderfully amazing or tragic happens in her life. But I want to write every day, and I want to write and express myself so that I don't end up bottling my emotions up (like usual) and explode in an irrational way. Also, I have a huge fear that when I'm 50 I'll forget about the beautiful memories of my twenties, and I want to be able to record what goes on in my world. Mostly I'm doing this for my health, and to show myself that I care about my well being. I want to give myself the opportunity to just write, and it might be nice to look back after a year's worth of entries to see if there are any themes and to see where I am.

I think that's it for now. :)

Love

I know at times movies can be unrealistic, but at least "The Notebook" was beautifully written by someone who believes in some form of LOVE.


"My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah" - "The Notebook"



I'm so excited to have a kind of love that awakens the soul- I can't wait. :)

Trying...

I'm really trying to realize the importance of letting go. I'm the type of person who really cares what people think about me...and it's a little ridiculous because there is no need. I also know that about 80% of my worrying is about things I have NO control over. I have had so much anxiety in the last month because I want to know WHERE I want to live and WHAT I'll be doing at that place, so it's frustrating. I also hate change, I hate thinking about me moving away or having a good friend move/get married/change.

It's been hard adjusting to change and my anxiety has been centered around anticipating a lot of change in the next year.


That's kind of where I'm at.

What I've been up to...

Short and sweet:


* School is crazy
* Planning a benefit for arts education which will be May 8th at the Homestead High School Theatre.
* Individual studies project consisting of me and various jazz musicians recording a few high quality tunes.
* Singing at convocation/planning convocation
* Midterms galore after spring vacation!
* I leave for Ireland tomorrow
* In the midst of application process for SJSU's teaching credential program, but also keeping my eyes open for other things

That's all for now! Must return to packing! :)

Hope everyone is well.

where am I?

I wish I had a stronger sense of self. I know that in the last year my life has been one small transition after another (bad break up, living abroad, moving multiple times, changing majors, weight gain, etc) , but maybe change would generally be easier for me if I had a strong emotional core. I know the thoughts in my mind are extremely typical of someone almost out of college, and there is a little bit of comfort in that, but most of the time, I feel pressure to know exactly what I want and to be exactly who I want to be. Now, most people usually never know exactly what they want, and most people are ever evolving as their personalities and goals develop. It's just that I feel slightly lost, and there are those rare moments when I feel exactly who I should be, but it's like trying to hold on to a feather in the wind. It's a little flare of something and then back to confusion.

I would love it if the majority of my days left me feeling:
confident
satisfied
self-assured
beautiful
eager
motivated

I don't mean to be so negative. I truly enjoy life and the friends and family I am blessed to have. I am so lucky to have the life I have, and I really try to appreciate that. I guess I just want more clarity and ease?

yeah.

Exploration

phew. I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to write. I have black paint on my hot pink nails from striking the "Will Rogers Follies" set and re-painting part of the stage. My thoughts today have sort of been a jumble. I think about a lot of the same things every day. One of these things is having a stronger sense of self. I'm scared to go into this world without the knowledge of who I am. Is there something I could be doing that would help me feel better acquainted with me? I hang out with friends, I do activities I enjoy, I think I hang out with myself.

yep...I don't think I'm in the mood to write.

Ain't that a kick in the head...

It's surprising what good weather can do for a bad mood. The sun yesterday was inspiring, and refreshing. I am a lover of a dark season, but was inclined to embrace the delicious warmth of the sunlight against my back. Most of yesterday was spent driving to find a pair of dance tights, but I didn't mind. My window was down and jazz was playing on my radio.

I find it extremely scary how life can take various turns. And I don't notice where the turns were until I'm already at a destination. I never knew where I would be at age 22, but I wouldn't have thought it was here. I don't regret anything, or wish things had been different, but I do look back and see certain experiences or goals I've held on to that deeply shape who I am now.

Is it weird to say that I'm glad I'm worn, used up, and tainted, and hurt? I want to have the experience of feeling something. I occasionally feel at my best after something horrible has happened.


This blog is a few jumbled sentences. My main thought these days is that I want to acquire so much knowledge and feeling from the world. Nature is beautiful, people are special, and everything is a resource.



"Don't threaten me with love, baby. Let's just go walking in the rain."- Billie Holiday "

living for yourself

I'm so sick of feeling guilty.

as they say..

in "you're a good man, charlie brown"..."happiness is a fleeting thing".

will I be TRULY and incandescently happy?

Once I feel that happiness, it seems to slip away. Or it becomes unattainable. Am I asking for things out of my reach? Are my expectations too high? Will I ever find what I am looking for?

Frustrating and weird.

Maybe if I don't rely on being or feeling something, it will just happen.

Hmm.

It's interesting...

It's interesting and slightly weird to step outside of ourselves. I know I am Anna and have various physical and emotional traits that make me me. It is funny, however, to view myself as an actual working tool that exerts energy and is apart of a world which is apart of a planet which is apart of a solar system. It actually really weirds me out. We function, interact, sleep, eat, and make choices. We encounter people who we view as friends, family, acquaintances, etc.

This Christmas season has felt less magical than usual. I hate the idea that I do not dream of sugarplum fairies or feel as excited to eat a chocolate from my advent calendar. But maybe that's what having kids feels like. Finding a renewed sense of imagination, hopes, and curiosity. I feel these things on a normal basis, but not in the extreme amount I did as a child. Growing up has been a crazy experience, but mostly good. There's an abundance of new feelings. But here I am COMPLAINING that I "can't feel the Christmas magic", when so many people suffer. The economy is in such a bind, and here I am, as always, without a worry in the world. I have non-monetary worries, but I never live in fear of where I will find food or how I will get a roof over my head. My parents never waver in being extremely financially and emotionally supportive.

I guess one of my new years' resolutions is to use myself, this body and soul, as a tool in a positive way. Yes, getting drunk and throwing up slightly has it's upsides, but it doesn't need to be done every weekend. Going shopping for new clothes is fun, but again, not completely necessary when so many people are without things. It's easy to help others, but how often do I really do that? And with so many worries and fears regarding post-college life, can't I once step aside and be an active listener for a friend or peer?

Lots to think about.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season and is able to feel their place in the world.

<3

i love

i love that love is so powerful..

So confused!

...with life. How does one KNOW what do with their life? I must think about post-college career ideas at least 10 or 20 times a day. I know it's normal and that most people my age feel the same way, I just feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I DON'T know.

I want to do something in life that is filled with good moments. These good moments will hopefully outweigh the weird aspects of the career. I have come up with weird hints of things I'd like to do...but they DON'T seem to relate.

I mean come on, librarian mixed with jazz singer mixed with lighthouse keeper mixed with school teacher...HMMM.

I need some direction!!

in love with love.

"Tinkerbell: You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting." -Peter Pan quote

I love the quotation above because it describes exactly how I think love should be. Love needs to be raw. None of that "love is patient, love is kind" crap, but the real stuff that makes you want to wake up every morning and embrace the world. Love should encompass emotions in all of their brutality, no matter how amazing or horrible that may be. But, love should also be slightly ethereal. Holding hands, a first kiss, or a mother looking at her newborn child are just a few ways to kindle that kind of magic that makes the world such a mystical place. Love is so rare. Or it is present, and no one is grabbing hold of it, or opening themselves up to it. When it comes to LOVE, I am blessed with family and friends who love me and accept me for all that I am. And I love them so tenderly. I think out of all the LOVES, self-love may just be one continuous work in progress, like a few random words on a page, waiting for the rest of the story to be written.

As cheesy as it may seem, I think the saddest form of love, unrequited love, may have taught me the most about myself and love. In this previous unhealthy relationship, I saw particular things and created a life revolved around those things. I settled. I didn't accept the matter at hand and took the less fulfilling path. Everything else, everything true, was hidden, suppressed, and I was too ignorant. Leaving love, or the love I wanted so deeply to have, was like not being able to sing. For me, simply impossible. But when the love was finally broken, it was as if in some crazy sense, part of me was reborn. I began to cling to whatever self I had left. I started to remember what stirred inside of my brain and what wanted to jump out from my heart. I had stumbled along a dark path only to find a strong beam of light. And, as one form of love ended, another form blossomed. Self-love. To embrace myself fully and believe in myself for the first time, was love. I feel like I finally get it.


Oh LOVE. :)

HMPH

Ever feel like you want something so much, mostly a feeling, and you don't even know what that is?



I feel like that! (insert foot stomp and confused face here).

Food for thought...and still hungry.

Here is what I know. I know that every time I watch a black and white movie or listen to a 1930s jazz standard, I feel at ease with the world and satisfied in my soul. I know that when autumn begins to creep up, my mind is filled with exciting ideas to share with my family and the kids that I work with. I know that it feels good to help others, and, in doing so, I get a glimpse of a self I'd like to be more often.

Incorporating good feelings into a profession seems like an uphill battle. And yes, my selfish side wants to have a comfortable lifestyle (which is more difficult to do these days and in this area, it seems). But Annabo Kristine is not willing to give up her passions and the things that make her feel good. This is a conflict. I know it's normal to be lost, but wouldn't it be divine to know what lake you wanted to take a dip into?

It's difficult to step outside of yourself and figure out life from a non-selfish perspective. What is good for the world? But can I please indulge a little, and find out what is good for myself? I don't know if my passions and dreams will help others, and I really hope they do. I am hungry for life, for traveling, for mutual love, for nature, for a feeling to hold onto. I want to challenge myself, and grow.

m stands for...

melancholy.

here is a poem i wrote earlier tonight. it's free verse and weird, but it's what's inside my soul these days.


Why is the heart like an open wound,
Open to feel yet unable to make rhythm.

Sore from the pain
Hoping to find the beat.

I know it’s so wrong, the way that I feel.
Stuck in a place that’s in between.
Wanting to take the solo road,
But clinging on to the feeling of warmth.

Why can’t the trees and leaves be by my side?
A rusty picket fence pointing toward a home I can’t feel.

The world isn’t what I thought it would be.
Love is toxic, it’s the sickness I wanted.
But it left me angry, empty, hungry, unwillingly aware.

I wanted the love of a 1940s romance,
Grab my face, pull me in, breathe my kisses until we are forced to part.
His hand on my waist, we move with the wind, we sway,
Swinging in rhythm to the beat of our hearts.

But I fling off the high heels of my fantasty and return to solitude,
Where I’ll remain, for some time, I don’t know.
My heart like the staccato notes on the page, chasing after time and searching for air.
A musical solo and I don’t know the tune.

Happy September!

I love the coming of autumn. Crispy leaves and hot chocolate, fuzzy sweaters and brisk walks in a familiar neighborhood. The perfect season for watching old black and white movies and cuddling up on the couch. I LOVE it. Without trying, my family is always so close during this season. We love halloween decorations, pumpkin patches, watching movies together, and playing with the new babies in the family.

On a different note, I lost ALL of my laptop's data yesterday. A few days ago a flashing question mark appeared on my macbook and I took it into the apple store, hoping for a positive answer. They told me it was a mechanical error and that I wouldn't get any information back. This means all of my writing, music, and pictures are gone. Sad, but there isn't anything I can do about it.
Another thing I love about autumn is that it's fresh, and with this freshness and newness, I will have to make a positive situation out of a really crappy one. I will have a new empty laptop that I will fill with new memories (which I will back up on an external hard drive!) Sometimes it's good to have a fresh start.

Hmmmm...

here is what I feel...

I feel like I can't find the balance between taking care of myself and feeling selfish. Do I use people without knowing it? When we want to hang out with our friends and make it work for our schedules, isn't that selfish? If we ask someone for a favor, is it because we only care about ourselves and we want to take the easy way out by asking someone else to do something? I've had a rough few weeks and it's been dramatic to say the least. I feel like I don't do enough therapeutic things and that I really should. But I feel guilty whenever I have "me" time.

"Your body is a temple". My friend used this to describe a theme in a book she is reading. I feel like I don't treat my body like a temple. I don't drink enough water, I consume way too much alcohol, I don't exercise as much as I should, and I've allowed others to disrespect my body in the past. I've spent so much time and energy in the last year trying to take care of other people who weren't there for me and I'm truly sick of it! I think I've resisted taking care of myself because I don't even know what that is anymore. I feel like I've forgotten what "healthy" feels like. But I am beginning to understand (as long and difficult as it's been to admit this) that taking care of myself will deeply affect how I treat others and present myself (ideas, hopes and passions) to the world. I am so grateful for the family and friends in my life who bring laughter, honesty, and a positive attitude to this world.