Feelings

I feel the need to hold on to my childhood. I just love the outlook I had when I was younger, and the people that were in my life. I feel like I was more inspired, and just generally felt deeper. I participated in community theatre productions from when I was probably 11 to 16, and my first ever director was a woman named Terri Hilton. She was like the sweetest, funniest, prettiest woman in my 11 year old eyes. She always believed in me and wanted me to continue doing theatre. Anyway, we kept in touch after I graduated high school and when she moved off to Chicago with her husband. And we JUST fell back into contact today. It was weird, when I saw my inbox with her name on it, I started to tear up. She was just, so great, and like, every great memory I have involves her. Turns out she will be moving back here in about two years. She's just the kind of great mentor everyone needs to have in their life- a theatre lover, sarcastic sense of humor, loves Edinburgh (a plus), and great listener. Anyway, that was an exciting point in my day.

I got back from my dance class about an hour ago, it was fun. It was led by a different dancer, Jen, and we did a jazzy, almost fosse-like dance to a Harry Conick, Jr. song. Twas fun.

I should go to bed soon, and get some good sleep. Tomorrow is my Visa appointment for Scotland and my dress alterations for the wedding! Night!

I love being a woman

Okay, there are MANY parts about being a woman that I don't like. Monthly woes, PMS, BIRTHING CHILDREN, but truly, I love being a girl. I love dressing up and going to see shows, I love putting on make up and washing my long curly hair (boys have hair too, though aha), and I love BEING A GIRL. Being feminine is so sexy. Granted, I know I had my days of:




I'm not sure if this WAS tomboy, but I'd like to think the laura ingalls wilder boots were adventurous! :)

Have a great Tuesday!

Mammals and Mondays

Streeeeeeeeeeeeetch. What a tiring weekend. Moving is fun, but liberating. It's nice to decorate my new little nook. It's reinvention. Shouldn't every day be a day like that, though? I shouldn't be SAVING life for special ocassions. In other news, I've been completely fascinated by physical contact lately (when am I not though, really), and its characteristics. Okay, I recall first kisses and such, and I remember really needing to swallow many times before the actual kiss. Out of nerves, I'd assume. But is this true for all? And why do people get SO nervous and anxious and hungry for physical contact on a first date? Our bodies are amazing. And I love that some couples have been holding hands for 30 years and it seems like second nature. Nature is weird. But so good. How does it all work? A series of customs that follow from generation to generation, this connectedness? And dancing? Why does it FEEL so good? And abrazando is like the best thing ever, and feels SO right and comforting. We are seriously mysterious creatures. Anyway, what I"m trying to express is that people touching people is so nice. Physically.

Dazzling

I want to be remarkable. I want to be an elegant, adventurous, delightful young lady. And I want the process to be even better. I want to show people the beauty and colors of the world, and I want to see truth through others. I want to have humbling experiences. I want to slow dance to a jazz tune in the dark. I want to wake up to see the sunrise. I want to laugh and cry. I want to creative. I want I want I want ding ding ding, I know this blog is somewhat weird but I am just so EXCITED to be myself for this world.

ssssssscooootttttlllaaaand!

aaaack, the more I talk to sally (the girl i'll be rooming with in edinburgh), the more excited I am.....we both want to go to Austria and do the sound of music tour.. oh. my. gosh!!!

insert foot (accompanied by large leather boot) in mouth

What I really mean to say is, can't someone understand the random, confusing, nonsensical, musical, often times, irrational, RAMBLINGS that go 'round and stir in my brain during one day? It's a lot to take for a gal like me. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but, it would be great if I could conceptualize something in my brain and express it completely accurately. Ha. Maybe that's what the arts are for. A non traditional way of explaining things abstractly because there is really no other way to do it. That's what laughter, tears, morning bird sounds, and the sweet smelling flowers must be. A way to define abstractly, even eloquently. There is a book I read in elementary school, and in it, the author related loneliness to a balloon drifting, almost strong enough to lightly bounce, losing its helium in a living room. I think it's pretty accurate. It's not that I am lonely, DON'T get me wrong. Great friends, satisfying laughs, good wine, and supportive family. It's just that sometimes moving along, drifting silently and without emotion, is lonely. I'm not a powerful person. I hate debates and I don't always speak my mind. Not necessarily a strong point. Maybe assertion, being more direct, would solve that. A way to live with a point, a direction in sight. Somehow though, I still prefer strong silence. Just being content with oneself and having strong beliefs. I doubt I will ever be the person to hammer down a fight in order to win. I guess I want a little more helium, a little more bounce in my step.

Life's interesting. :)

Halloween deliciously illustrates my childhood.

Obviously Alison was a picnic table (handcrafted by the woman herself), and I was a nightclub singer.  :)

Molding clay

Why must we dissect?  Why can't we take a potato for what it is, rather than chopping, peeling, and uncovering its layers.  Is this analyzing satisfying?  Or is it a yearning for creation?  I suppose I'll take it for what it is- we so desperately want an answer, a feeling of security that makes us feel good inside.  Anything unknown is foreign to our bodies and therefore scary.  But don't you see, in the most scary of times, something amazing occurs?  We embrace it.  We progress.  We stretch ourselves (like taffy) and grow.  We learn.  Anything risky is truly worthwhile,  because we are asking ourselves to do something new and that in itself is a great concept.  Often times the things I most fear turn out to be the greatest things ever. 

What's so good about answers?  I often feel that when I find out what I am  looking for, I'm not satisfied.  And not in a greedy way.  It's just that answers don't always settle scenarios.  Maybe this is why I prefer word searches over logic puzzles.  Word searches ask you to find a word, but each word has a definition that one can interpret and mold to their liking.  I love words because of this.  But logic puzzles, bloody annoying logic puzzles.  Logic gives you a direct answer, great, but WHERE is the feeling in that?  I'll admit It's nice to work on a math problem and get the answer, and yes it is satisfying.  But don't you feel that the journey to answer the problem (in various ways, using various methods) is more exciting?  I think people in this day and age are so excited to be satisfied, who isn't, but why do we choose the road MORE traveled.  We take the quick and easy way out time and time again.  We buy things online instead of walking in the store.  We play with gadgets and toys instead of simply sitting outside and experience the beauty surrounding us.  And yes, the internet is convenient and clever and amazing.  But what about that poor road, where we can pick berries along the way and smell the fresh pine of the green trees, and hear our feet stepping onto the stones the begin to crackle below us.  It's there for us.  No answers, no conclusions.  Just something made for us to explore, discovery, and delight in.  

What a messy blog.  I have so many ideas that I don't think I can express.  A lot of ramblings that probably make sense to only me and maybe Luna Lovegood.  

I'll leave you with a poem that I love.

The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And look down one as far as I could

To where it bend in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 

Though as for what the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Smiles Abound

Perhaps this should just be a movie blog, because I really want to talk about "Chocolat."  There is something so thrilling about the idea of being a wanderer, an adventurer, who takes life by each tiny minute and is always searching for fresh feelings and rich experiences.  I love it.  I love the strong characters in this movie, like Juliette Binoche, who opens a chocolate shop, despite the conservative and traditional ways of the French town.  Or Judi Dench's character, an old woman who is dying from diabetes but refuses to give in, indulging in all of the chocolate anyway, because each bite is ecstasy.  I love the idea of living life with no grand plans, with no other responsibilities other than helping people along the way come alive and enrich their lives.  Small pleasures, like listening to the wind's wisdom, or sand between fingers, or rain hitting against that roof, are so simplistic but so satisfying.  Life should be simple.  

Sliding Doors

"Sliding Doors" is one great film.  It shows the leading character's different fates if she had missed a train or caught a train one morning.  It's funny how incredible decisions are.  When I think about how different my life would have been had I moved to New York City last year, I feel a little overwhelmed.  I'm the type of person that no matter which decision I make, I feel like I am missing out.  But that is such a ridiculous thought, because in doing that, we are actually distancing ourselves from being in the moment.  And really, each choice leads to mysterious and delightful journeys, with surprises, challenges, and unique characters along the way.  Plus,  As my best friend Ercilia reiterates, "Anna, you are such a lucky person, you have an amazing family who supports you financially and emotionally, so stop saying you are fat and depressed because you have opportunities!"  It's nice to have someone checking in on me from time to time.  She is an amazingly loyal friend.  

But in all seriousness, it's a wonderful life.  Colorful, rich, magical, and enticing.  And I do have a few goals upon my return to the US from Scotland.  Try to volunteer regularly, be more active in the arts, and check up on myself and how I am doing more often!  Saying no, being more assertive, and minimizing my mood swings, are just a FEW ways I can take care of myself! :)

Time for lunch.

Annabobonana

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.  God is the friend of silence.  See how nature- trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...We  need silence to be able to touch souls." - Mother Teresa

Empty Sundays

Sometimes I want to be sad.  Sometimes I want to feel down and in a pit of depression and sulkiness.  I don't know why.  I do not like this aspect of myself.  Why can't I just suck it up and get over it?  Why can't I remove every single feeling I have, place it in a jar, give it a good long glare, and be done with it?  For some reason, I have to hold on to it.  I have to let it linger and move inside of my body and eat away at me.  Then I am mean to people, bitchy, irritable, sensitive, irrational, and grumpy.  So these things  aren't good.  I am hoping I can find a creative outlet (perhaps "blogging") or some way to access these feelings and turn them into something beautiful or positive.  I just don't know how. 

These last two weeks have been really lonely.  In the dramatic sense, I kind of feel like Charlie Brown in "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (or really, any Schulz movie).  I am moping.  I feel like I call people a lot to check up on them and let them know they are important.  I have a lot of amazing people in my world that are talented, beautiful souls, and creative.  I guess I feel left out because a lot of my friends get to hang out together (be it in shows or school events, etc).  I want to share my feelings with people, but I don't want to bring it up first.  I want people to dig into my world a little bit more.  I feel like I've done a lot of digging for two people.  Life seems to go in waves:  either I'm too busy to take time for myself, or I have hours and hours to myself to sit and think and doubt and fear.  I am exhibiting the latter.   I love my sister Alison.  I love that when something in her world takes her by storm, she can tackle her feelings, analyze them and explain them clearly, and take action to fix them.  This is one of the amazing qualities she has.  I, on the other hand, have a loving relationship with my friend WORRY, and stew on things I cannot control while analyzing, not being strong, and not taking action.  Am I scared of myself?  Why do I do this?

Recently I have felt a strong connection with someone and I pulled away.  Was this because of fear?  Was this because I was so scared of something amazing and exciting happening, or am I just not ready?  I feel that my immaturity, inability to decipher or channel my extreme feelings, and need for independence makes me want to close off any meaningful and genuine relationships.  I just feel guilty to put my crazy issues on anyone else but myself.  They are mine and I need to fix them.  I guess I would like to tell this mystery person that I am sorry if I was strange and confusing and standoffish,  it wasn't intentional and I had to try and attempt to take care of myself.  Also, I think you are probably one of the greatest people I've met (handsome, great conversationalist, wisely philosophical, talented, intelligent, thoughtful...) and you even think I'm pretty neat, and that I hope I can soon be in a better place to just be.  

In other news, my dear friend and talented musician Bill "trumpetmasta" and I have decided to start a little six or seven piece jazz band (is six or seven enough to BE a big band?).  Based on our AIM discussion, I actually think this is something that will be really really great.  I am really looking forward to starting something like this, and as many of my close friends and family know I have wanted to pursue vocal jazz singing for as long as I can remember.  (Musical theatre and opera are GREAT, but come on, the first songs I learned to love and sing were "Bye Bye, Blackbird" and "I'll Be Seeing You."  Enough said.)  I hope we can get the ball rolling on this and rehearse/gig regularly.

It's 11:47 pm and I need to sleep so I can get to school in the morning.  Until tomorrow!

P.S. "Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature.  It will never fail you." - Frank Lloyd Wright

Paddleboating

The weather today is unbelievable. It's a gorgeous and bright Saturday, 85 degrees with nice waves of wind here and there. Courtney and I got together, orginially planning to lay out at the beach, but after seeing back to back traffic toward Santa Cruz we decided to go paddleboating. There' s a great place in Mountain View where there is a huge lake for sailboarding, kayaking, sailing, and paddleboating, as well as a trail for bikes and hikes and an abundancy of grass with weeping will trees. It was b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l!!! I hope this weather continues to be warm and nice.

Soreness, spring, and Scotland

Ouch!  Well, I'm not as sore as last week.  Mainly my right ribs are throbbing and my left calf is one tense mother f*****. :)  I am a hypochondriac, so it's probably not as bad as I think it is.  The class was really technical, not as intense, but difficult!  What is frustrating is that at one point in life I could do the leaps and turns, and now I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do.  But it's always nice to have Becca as a teacher and a lot of theatre friends in the class.  

It's spring and it's hot.  I love hearing the chirps of the birds outside my bedroom window, singing and communicating with each other in a language I wish I understood.  The grass is green, the trees are beautiful, and the hot hair is pushing against my skin.  I love this season (I mean it's no autumn, but probably my second favorite!)  Hopefully this spring will bring the end of a successful semester at school, clarity of the shows I'll be in next year, and preparations beginning for summer in Edinburgh, SCOTLAND!

I'm so excited.  9 exciting weeks living in the heart of a beautiful country.  About 11 of my favorite movies were filmed in Scotland, (harry potter harry potter harry potter),  and it's a chance for me to rely on only myself and take time to really listen to what the next chapter in my life will be.  

Can't wait! :)

Virgin

My first blog.  My first real blog.  Verdana or Arial, Times or Georgia?  I chose a solid Courier, who never lets me down.  How do I want to express myself to the world?  

This first one will be short.  I will be heading to a lyrical dance class tonight and I'm excited about it.  Last week we dabbled in hip hop, which was intense and fun.  To engage my body in unfamiliar movements is to open up an old, aged door that is nearly always shut.  I am excited to utilize new muscles, sweat, learn a new routine, and take on all the challenges that dance invites.  Perhaps I'll let the cyber world know how it went!