as they say..

in "you're a good man, charlie brown"..."happiness is a fleeting thing".

will I be TRULY and incandescently happy?

Once I feel that happiness, it seems to slip away. Or it becomes unattainable. Am I asking for things out of my reach? Are my expectations too high? Will I ever find what I am looking for?

Frustrating and weird.

Maybe if I don't rely on being or feeling something, it will just happen.

Hmm.

It's interesting...

It's interesting and slightly weird to step outside of ourselves. I know I am Anna and have various physical and emotional traits that make me me. It is funny, however, to view myself as an actual working tool that exerts energy and is apart of a world which is apart of a planet which is apart of a solar system. It actually really weirds me out. We function, interact, sleep, eat, and make choices. We encounter people who we view as friends, family, acquaintances, etc.

This Christmas season has felt less magical than usual. I hate the idea that I do not dream of sugarplum fairies or feel as excited to eat a chocolate from my advent calendar. But maybe that's what having kids feels like. Finding a renewed sense of imagination, hopes, and curiosity. I feel these things on a normal basis, but not in the extreme amount I did as a child. Growing up has been a crazy experience, but mostly good. There's an abundance of new feelings. But here I am COMPLAINING that I "can't feel the Christmas magic", when so many people suffer. The economy is in such a bind, and here I am, as always, without a worry in the world. I have non-monetary worries, but I never live in fear of where I will find food or how I will get a roof over my head. My parents never waver in being extremely financially and emotionally supportive.

I guess one of my new years' resolutions is to use myself, this body and soul, as a tool in a positive way. Yes, getting drunk and throwing up slightly has it's upsides, but it doesn't need to be done every weekend. Going shopping for new clothes is fun, but again, not completely necessary when so many people are without things. It's easy to help others, but how often do I really do that? And with so many worries and fears regarding post-college life, can't I once step aside and be an active listener for a friend or peer?

Lots to think about.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season and is able to feel their place in the world.

<3

i love

i love that love is so powerful..

So confused!

...with life. How does one KNOW what do with their life? I must think about post-college career ideas at least 10 or 20 times a day. I know it's normal and that most people my age feel the same way, I just feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I DON'T know.

I want to do something in life that is filled with good moments. These good moments will hopefully outweigh the weird aspects of the career. I have come up with weird hints of things I'd like to do...but they DON'T seem to relate.

I mean come on, librarian mixed with jazz singer mixed with lighthouse keeper mixed with school teacher...HMMM.

I need some direction!!

in love with love.

"Tinkerbell: You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting." -Peter Pan quote

I love the quotation above because it describes exactly how I think love should be. Love needs to be raw. None of that "love is patient, love is kind" crap, but the real stuff that makes you want to wake up every morning and embrace the world. Love should encompass emotions in all of their brutality, no matter how amazing or horrible that may be. But, love should also be slightly ethereal. Holding hands, a first kiss, or a mother looking at her newborn child are just a few ways to kindle that kind of magic that makes the world such a mystical place. Love is so rare. Or it is present, and no one is grabbing hold of it, or opening themselves up to it. When it comes to LOVE, I am blessed with family and friends who love me and accept me for all that I am. And I love them so tenderly. I think out of all the LOVES, self-love may just be one continuous work in progress, like a few random words on a page, waiting for the rest of the story to be written.

As cheesy as it may seem, I think the saddest form of love, unrequited love, may have taught me the most about myself and love. In this previous unhealthy relationship, I saw particular things and created a life revolved around those things. I settled. I didn't accept the matter at hand and took the less fulfilling path. Everything else, everything true, was hidden, suppressed, and I was too ignorant. Leaving love, or the love I wanted so deeply to have, was like not being able to sing. For me, simply impossible. But when the love was finally broken, it was as if in some crazy sense, part of me was reborn. I began to cling to whatever self I had left. I started to remember what stirred inside of my brain and what wanted to jump out from my heart. I had stumbled along a dark path only to find a strong beam of light. And, as one form of love ended, another form blossomed. Self-love. To embrace myself fully and believe in myself for the first time, was love. I feel like I finally get it.


Oh LOVE. :)

HMPH

Ever feel like you want something so much, mostly a feeling, and you don't even know what that is?



I feel like that! (insert foot stomp and confused face here).

Food for thought...and still hungry.

Here is what I know. I know that every time I watch a black and white movie or listen to a 1930s jazz standard, I feel at ease with the world and satisfied in my soul. I know that when autumn begins to creep up, my mind is filled with exciting ideas to share with my family and the kids that I work with. I know that it feels good to help others, and, in doing so, I get a glimpse of a self I'd like to be more often.

Incorporating good feelings into a profession seems like an uphill battle. And yes, my selfish side wants to have a comfortable lifestyle (which is more difficult to do these days and in this area, it seems). But Annabo Kristine is not willing to give up her passions and the things that make her feel good. This is a conflict. I know it's normal to be lost, but wouldn't it be divine to know what lake you wanted to take a dip into?

It's difficult to step outside of yourself and figure out life from a non-selfish perspective. What is good for the world? But can I please indulge a little, and find out what is good for myself? I don't know if my passions and dreams will help others, and I really hope they do. I am hungry for life, for traveling, for mutual love, for nature, for a feeling to hold onto. I want to challenge myself, and grow.