Sunday

I am still at bed at noon and I just don't want to get out. To my left a stack of books I have vowed to read this summer, but have only started a few. A half-opened suitcase of the next batch of clothes I will bring to Boston for the final move in a few weeks. It's been oddly surreal, knowing I'll be leaving this place of comfort, and this fact nearly forces my mind to shift to all the beautiful thoughts of home. I always feel this pull, this gut wrenching feeling of guilt, that I will be leaving the ones closest to me and embarking on a selfish endeavor. And then I think, well, we can't hold ourselves back due to fear and not live life. We have to do things for ourselves, embrace what is inside of us and freely journey to wherever that place is. I can't help but feeling like I'm doing something wrong, or maybe, it's just such an unfamiliar feeling that I assume it's not normal. The point is, I love my family and friends in the most tender way, and that fact ignites many different thoughts...

mmmmmm

mmmmmmmmmmmm

<3

Goals

I've had a solid few weeks to myself since college graduation to really sit and think about life. I have a love/hate relationship with thinking. Sometimes I have too much time to think, and my thoughts seem to have a negative tone. When I have too much time to think, I worry and doubt myself more than I normally would. However, this chunk of forced thinking time has unraveled a bunch of thoughts I was actively avoiding and now they stare snobbishly into my soul!

I think it's a good thing. One way or another, we face our problems. And if we don't, they have a wonderful way to sneak back into our minds. Throughout the course of the last year, I've had certain thoughts/ideas/worries creep back into my mind and settle into my brain searching for a more permanent residence.

The thoughts I have most always relate to my future, my romantic/love life, and my goals. Since I know most of my plans for the summer and beyond, and I'm not actively seeking a love/romantic relationship (rather, right now, I'm openly embracing all forms of love- and am unbelievably grateful and excited for the love I've been given by my friends and family in the last few weeks), I want to focus on my goals.

I don't think my goals are very out of reach. I think that I'm the one who always stops myself before I achieve them. Right now, my biggest goal is to start a journal. That I write in. Every day. I've always been the girl who writes every five months in her journals, whenever something wonderfully amazing or tragic happens in her life. But I want to write every day, and I want to write and express myself so that I don't end up bottling my emotions up (like usual) and explode in an irrational way. Also, I have a huge fear that when I'm 50 I'll forget about the beautiful memories of my twenties, and I want to be able to record what goes on in my world. Mostly I'm doing this for my health, and to show myself that I care about my well being. I want to give myself the opportunity to just write, and it might be nice to look back after a year's worth of entries to see if there are any themes and to see where I am.

I think that's it for now. :)

Love

I know at times movies can be unrealistic, but at least "The Notebook" was beautifully written by someone who believes in some form of LOVE.


"My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah" - "The Notebook"



I'm so excited to have a kind of love that awakens the soul- I can't wait. :)

Trying...

I'm really trying to realize the importance of letting go. I'm the type of person who really cares what people think about me...and it's a little ridiculous because there is no need. I also know that about 80% of my worrying is about things I have NO control over. I have had so much anxiety in the last month because I want to know WHERE I want to live and WHAT I'll be doing at that place, so it's frustrating. I also hate change, I hate thinking about me moving away or having a good friend move/get married/change.

It's been hard adjusting to change and my anxiety has been centered around anticipating a lot of change in the next year.


That's kind of where I'm at.

What I've been up to...

Short and sweet:


* School is crazy
* Planning a benefit for arts education which will be May 8th at the Homestead High School Theatre.
* Individual studies project consisting of me and various jazz musicians recording a few high quality tunes.
* Singing at convocation/planning convocation
* Midterms galore after spring vacation!
* I leave for Ireland tomorrow
* In the midst of application process for SJSU's teaching credential program, but also keeping my eyes open for other things

That's all for now! Must return to packing! :)

Hope everyone is well.

where am I?

I wish I had a stronger sense of self. I know that in the last year my life has been one small transition after another (bad break up, living abroad, moving multiple times, changing majors, weight gain, etc) , but maybe change would generally be easier for me if I had a strong emotional core. I know the thoughts in my mind are extremely typical of someone almost out of college, and there is a little bit of comfort in that, but most of the time, I feel pressure to know exactly what I want and to be exactly who I want to be. Now, most people usually never know exactly what they want, and most people are ever evolving as their personalities and goals develop. It's just that I feel slightly lost, and there are those rare moments when I feel exactly who I should be, but it's like trying to hold on to a feather in the wind. It's a little flare of something and then back to confusion.

I would love it if the majority of my days left me feeling:
confident
satisfied
self-assured
beautiful
eager
motivated

I don't mean to be so negative. I truly enjoy life and the friends and family I am blessed to have. I am so lucky to have the life I have, and I really try to appreciate that. I guess I just want more clarity and ease?

yeah.

Exploration

phew. I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to write. I have black paint on my hot pink nails from striking the "Will Rogers Follies" set and re-painting part of the stage. My thoughts today have sort of been a jumble. I think about a lot of the same things every day. One of these things is having a stronger sense of self. I'm scared to go into this world without the knowledge of who I am. Is there something I could be doing that would help me feel better acquainted with me? I hang out with friends, I do activities I enjoy, I think I hang out with myself.

yep...I don't think I'm in the mood to write.

Ain't that a kick in the head...

It's surprising what good weather can do for a bad mood. The sun yesterday was inspiring, and refreshing. I am a lover of a dark season, but was inclined to embrace the delicious warmth of the sunlight against my back. Most of yesterday was spent driving to find a pair of dance tights, but I didn't mind. My window was down and jazz was playing on my radio.

I find it extremely scary how life can take various turns. And I don't notice where the turns were until I'm already at a destination. I never knew where I would be at age 22, but I wouldn't have thought it was here. I don't regret anything, or wish things had been different, but I do look back and see certain experiences or goals I've held on to that deeply shape who I am now.

Is it weird to say that I'm glad I'm worn, used up, and tainted, and hurt? I want to have the experience of feeling something. I occasionally feel at my best after something horrible has happened.


This blog is a few jumbled sentences. My main thought these days is that I want to acquire so much knowledge and feeling from the world. Nature is beautiful, people are special, and everything is a resource.



"Don't threaten me with love, baby. Let's just go walking in the rain."- Billie Holiday "

living for yourself

I'm so sick of feeling guilty.