in love with love.

"Tinkerbell: You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting." -Peter Pan quote

I love the quotation above because it describes exactly how I think love should be. Love needs to be raw. None of that "love is patient, love is kind" crap, but the real stuff that makes you want to wake up every morning and embrace the world. Love should encompass emotions in all of their brutality, no matter how amazing or horrible that may be. But, love should also be slightly ethereal. Holding hands, a first kiss, or a mother looking at her newborn child are just a few ways to kindle that kind of magic that makes the world such a mystical place. Love is so rare. Or it is present, and no one is grabbing hold of it, or opening themselves up to it. When it comes to LOVE, I am blessed with family and friends who love me and accept me for all that I am. And I love them so tenderly. I think out of all the LOVES, self-love may just be one continuous work in progress, like a few random words on a page, waiting for the rest of the story to be written.

As cheesy as it may seem, I think the saddest form of love, unrequited love, may have taught me the most about myself and love. In this previous unhealthy relationship, I saw particular things and created a life revolved around those things. I settled. I didn't accept the matter at hand and took the less fulfilling path. Everything else, everything true, was hidden, suppressed, and I was too ignorant. Leaving love, or the love I wanted so deeply to have, was like not being able to sing. For me, simply impossible. But when the love was finally broken, it was as if in some crazy sense, part of me was reborn. I began to cling to whatever self I had left. I started to remember what stirred inside of my brain and what wanted to jump out from my heart. I had stumbled along a dark path only to find a strong beam of light. And, as one form of love ended, another form blossomed. Self-love. To embrace myself fully and believe in myself for the first time, was love. I feel like I finally get it.


Oh LOVE. :)

HMPH

Ever feel like you want something so much, mostly a feeling, and you don't even know what that is?



I feel like that! (insert foot stomp and confused face here).

Food for thought...and still hungry.

Here is what I know. I know that every time I watch a black and white movie or listen to a 1930s jazz standard, I feel at ease with the world and satisfied in my soul. I know that when autumn begins to creep up, my mind is filled with exciting ideas to share with my family and the kids that I work with. I know that it feels good to help others, and, in doing so, I get a glimpse of a self I'd like to be more often.

Incorporating good feelings into a profession seems like an uphill battle. And yes, my selfish side wants to have a comfortable lifestyle (which is more difficult to do these days and in this area, it seems). But Annabo Kristine is not willing to give up her passions and the things that make her feel good. This is a conflict. I know it's normal to be lost, but wouldn't it be divine to know what lake you wanted to take a dip into?

It's difficult to step outside of yourself and figure out life from a non-selfish perspective. What is good for the world? But can I please indulge a little, and find out what is good for myself? I don't know if my passions and dreams will help others, and I really hope they do. I am hungry for life, for traveling, for mutual love, for nature, for a feeling to hold onto. I want to challenge myself, and grow.

m stands for...

melancholy.

here is a poem i wrote earlier tonight. it's free verse and weird, but it's what's inside my soul these days.


Why is the heart like an open wound,
Open to feel yet unable to make rhythm.

Sore from the pain
Hoping to find the beat.

I know it’s so wrong, the way that I feel.
Stuck in a place that’s in between.
Wanting to take the solo road,
But clinging on to the feeling of warmth.

Why can’t the trees and leaves be by my side?
A rusty picket fence pointing toward a home I can’t feel.

The world isn’t what I thought it would be.
Love is toxic, it’s the sickness I wanted.
But it left me angry, empty, hungry, unwillingly aware.

I wanted the love of a 1940s romance,
Grab my face, pull me in, breathe my kisses until we are forced to part.
His hand on my waist, we move with the wind, we sway,
Swinging in rhythm to the beat of our hearts.

But I fling off the high heels of my fantasty and return to solitude,
Where I’ll remain, for some time, I don’t know.
My heart like the staccato notes on the page, chasing after time and searching for air.
A musical solo and I don’t know the tune.

Happy September!

I love the coming of autumn. Crispy leaves and hot chocolate, fuzzy sweaters and brisk walks in a familiar neighborhood. The perfect season for watching old black and white movies and cuddling up on the couch. I LOVE it. Without trying, my family is always so close during this season. We love halloween decorations, pumpkin patches, watching movies together, and playing with the new babies in the family.

On a different note, I lost ALL of my laptop's data yesterday. A few days ago a flashing question mark appeared on my macbook and I took it into the apple store, hoping for a positive answer. They told me it was a mechanical error and that I wouldn't get any information back. This means all of my writing, music, and pictures are gone. Sad, but there isn't anything I can do about it.
Another thing I love about autumn is that it's fresh, and with this freshness and newness, I will have to make a positive situation out of a really crappy one. I will have a new empty laptop that I will fill with new memories (which I will back up on an external hard drive!) Sometimes it's good to have a fresh start.

Hmmmm...