Exploration

phew. I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to write. I have black paint on my hot pink nails from striking the "Will Rogers Follies" set and re-painting part of the stage. My thoughts today have sort of been a jumble. I think about a lot of the same things every day. One of these things is having a stronger sense of self. I'm scared to go into this world without the knowledge of who I am. Is there something I could be doing that would help me feel better acquainted with me? I hang out with friends, I do activities I enjoy, I think I hang out with myself.

yep...I don't think I'm in the mood to write.

Ain't that a kick in the head...

It's surprising what good weather can do for a bad mood. The sun yesterday was inspiring, and refreshing. I am a lover of a dark season, but was inclined to embrace the delicious warmth of the sunlight against my back. Most of yesterday was spent driving to find a pair of dance tights, but I didn't mind. My window was down and jazz was playing on my radio.

I find it extremely scary how life can take various turns. And I don't notice where the turns were until I'm already at a destination. I never knew where I would be at age 22, but I wouldn't have thought it was here. I don't regret anything, or wish things had been different, but I do look back and see certain experiences or goals I've held on to that deeply shape who I am now.

Is it weird to say that I'm glad I'm worn, used up, and tainted, and hurt? I want to have the experience of feeling something. I occasionally feel at my best after something horrible has happened.


This blog is a few jumbled sentences. My main thought these days is that I want to acquire so much knowledge and feeling from the world. Nature is beautiful, people are special, and everything is a resource.



"Don't threaten me with love, baby. Let's just go walking in the rain."- Billie Holiday "

living for yourself

I'm so sick of feeling guilty.

as they say..

in "you're a good man, charlie brown"..."happiness is a fleeting thing".

will I be TRULY and incandescently happy?

Once I feel that happiness, it seems to slip away. Or it becomes unattainable. Am I asking for things out of my reach? Are my expectations too high? Will I ever find what I am looking for?

Frustrating and weird.

Maybe if I don't rely on being or feeling something, it will just happen.

Hmm.

It's interesting...

It's interesting and slightly weird to step outside of ourselves. I know I am Anna and have various physical and emotional traits that make me me. It is funny, however, to view myself as an actual working tool that exerts energy and is apart of a world which is apart of a planet which is apart of a solar system. It actually really weirds me out. We function, interact, sleep, eat, and make choices. We encounter people who we view as friends, family, acquaintances, etc.

This Christmas season has felt less magical than usual. I hate the idea that I do not dream of sugarplum fairies or feel as excited to eat a chocolate from my advent calendar. But maybe that's what having kids feels like. Finding a renewed sense of imagination, hopes, and curiosity. I feel these things on a normal basis, but not in the extreme amount I did as a child. Growing up has been a crazy experience, but mostly good. There's an abundance of new feelings. But here I am COMPLAINING that I "can't feel the Christmas magic", when so many people suffer. The economy is in such a bind, and here I am, as always, without a worry in the world. I have non-monetary worries, but I never live in fear of where I will find food or how I will get a roof over my head. My parents never waver in being extremely financially and emotionally supportive.

I guess one of my new years' resolutions is to use myself, this body and soul, as a tool in a positive way. Yes, getting drunk and throwing up slightly has it's upsides, but it doesn't need to be done every weekend. Going shopping for new clothes is fun, but again, not completely necessary when so many people are without things. It's easy to help others, but how often do I really do that? And with so many worries and fears regarding post-college life, can't I once step aside and be an active listener for a friend or peer?

Lots to think about.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season and is able to feel their place in the world.

<3

i love

i love that love is so powerful..

So confused!

...with life. How does one KNOW what do with their life? I must think about post-college career ideas at least 10 or 20 times a day. I know it's normal and that most people my age feel the same way, I just feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I DON'T know.

I want to do something in life that is filled with good moments. These good moments will hopefully outweigh the weird aspects of the career. I have come up with weird hints of things I'd like to do...but they DON'T seem to relate.

I mean come on, librarian mixed with jazz singer mixed with lighthouse keeper mixed with school teacher...HMMM.

I need some direction!!