Food for thought...and still hungry.

Here is what I know. I know that every time I watch a black and white movie or listen to a 1930s jazz standard, I feel at ease with the world and satisfied in my soul. I know that when autumn begins to creep up, my mind is filled with exciting ideas to share with my family and the kids that I work with. I know that it feels good to help others, and, in doing so, I get a glimpse of a self I'd like to be more often.

Incorporating good feelings into a profession seems like an uphill battle. And yes, my selfish side wants to have a comfortable lifestyle (which is more difficult to do these days and in this area, it seems). But Annabo Kristine is not willing to give up her passions and the things that make her feel good. This is a conflict. I know it's normal to be lost, but wouldn't it be divine to know what lake you wanted to take a dip into?

It's difficult to step outside of yourself and figure out life from a non-selfish perspective. What is good for the world? But can I please indulge a little, and find out what is good for myself? I don't know if my passions and dreams will help others, and I really hope they do. I am hungry for life, for traveling, for mutual love, for nature, for a feeling to hold onto. I want to challenge myself, and grow.

m stands for...

melancholy.

here is a poem i wrote earlier tonight. it's free verse and weird, but it's what's inside my soul these days.


Why is the heart like an open wound,
Open to feel yet unable to make rhythm.

Sore from the pain
Hoping to find the beat.

I know it’s so wrong, the way that I feel.
Stuck in a place that’s in between.
Wanting to take the solo road,
But clinging on to the feeling of warmth.

Why can’t the trees and leaves be by my side?
A rusty picket fence pointing toward a home I can’t feel.

The world isn’t what I thought it would be.
Love is toxic, it’s the sickness I wanted.
But it left me angry, empty, hungry, unwillingly aware.

I wanted the love of a 1940s romance,
Grab my face, pull me in, breathe my kisses until we are forced to part.
His hand on my waist, we move with the wind, we sway,
Swinging in rhythm to the beat of our hearts.

But I fling off the high heels of my fantasty and return to solitude,
Where I’ll remain, for some time, I don’t know.
My heart like the staccato notes on the page, chasing after time and searching for air.
A musical solo and I don’t know the tune.

Happy September!

I love the coming of autumn. Crispy leaves and hot chocolate, fuzzy sweaters and brisk walks in a familiar neighborhood. The perfect season for watching old black and white movies and cuddling up on the couch. I LOVE it. Without trying, my family is always so close during this season. We love halloween decorations, pumpkin patches, watching movies together, and playing with the new babies in the family.

On a different note, I lost ALL of my laptop's data yesterday. A few days ago a flashing question mark appeared on my macbook and I took it into the apple store, hoping for a positive answer. They told me it was a mechanical error and that I wouldn't get any information back. This means all of my writing, music, and pictures are gone. Sad, but there isn't anything I can do about it.
Another thing I love about autumn is that it's fresh, and with this freshness and newness, I will have to make a positive situation out of a really crappy one. I will have a new empty laptop that I will fill with new memories (which I will back up on an external hard drive!) Sometimes it's good to have a fresh start.

Hmmmm...

here is what I feel...

I feel like I can't find the balance between taking care of myself and feeling selfish. Do I use people without knowing it? When we want to hang out with our friends and make it work for our schedules, isn't that selfish? If we ask someone for a favor, is it because we only care about ourselves and we want to take the easy way out by asking someone else to do something? I've had a rough few weeks and it's been dramatic to say the least. I feel like I don't do enough therapeutic things and that I really should. But I feel guilty whenever I have "me" time.

"Your body is a temple". My friend used this to describe a theme in a book she is reading. I feel like I don't treat my body like a temple. I don't drink enough water, I consume way too much alcohol, I don't exercise as much as I should, and I've allowed others to disrespect my body in the past. I've spent so much time and energy in the last year trying to take care of other people who weren't there for me and I'm truly sick of it! I think I've resisted taking care of myself because I don't even know what that is anymore. I feel like I've forgotten what "healthy" feels like. But I am beginning to understand (as long and difficult as it's been to admit this) that taking care of myself will deeply affect how I treat others and present myself (ideas, hopes and passions) to the world. I am so grateful for the family and friends in my life who bring laughter, honesty, and a positive attitude to this world.

May I please have...

a fresh start? I have a whole bunch of horrible and blecky memories, and if I can't delete them I would at least like to believe that they helped me grow in some way, and then set them aside. I wish I wouldn't let people affect me so. I have great people in my life that are creative, bright, active, and thoughtful, and I'd like some more of those people to drift my way.


HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

it's funny how...

you can escape certain feelings and realities when you are on the other side of the world, but some things will always be there...

it's been awhile

I know I haven't written here in awhile. I've been posting a lot on my Scotland blog and I know most of my friends who read here are probably reading that. Scotland is great, I've definitely learned a lot about myself in the process.

It's weird. I feel like I have a very decisive personality. Once I've made up my mind, I don't really turn back. It's good in some ways, but reallly shitty in others. For instance, if I'm going out and I'm not really in a great mood, it's really hard to get me out of that mood. But it also sucks, because I feel like my close friends are used to my "up" personality, so if i'm in a mellow (good) mood, people ALWAYS ask if something is wrong. It really annoys me....one of the oh so great things about wearing my heart on my sleeve.

that's all for now...

annabo